When a child dies, it is a pain like no other, and that pain can be emotional, psychological and physical. We not only lose that child, but we also lose the imagined future for them and for us. It disrupts the whole family system and impacts your relationships with the other parent and any other children you have. You may find yourself trying to manage your own grief alongside the grief of other family members. Other family members may also be grieving in a very different way to you, which may be helpful or become a source of conflict.
Please know that whatever you are thinking or feeling right now, is likely to be normal and understandable and, whilst it may not seem like it, you will not feel like this forever. You will never ‘get over’ a loss of this magnitude and you probably won’t want to either; but people can (and do), find a way to build a life around that pain.
What is grief?
We used to think of grief as happening in a series of stages that we moved through in a predictable and timely fashion, starting with denial and anger, through to resolution and acceptance. We now know that real grief is far messier and unpredictable than this; we can cycle back and forth between different states and feelings, often for a long time. This is all very normal and even healthy to do so. We can tend to our grief in such a way that we can move through it without finding ourselves feeling stuck, or avoiding it altogether.
How do we tend to our grief?
We know that finding meaning in a loss can be important in helping us heal. That can be easier when grieving an older adult, who lived a full life, and left behind a legacy and memories that we can celebrate and take comfort in. How do we begin to find meaning in the loss of someone so young, whose life had only barely begun? There is no right or wrong way of doing this, and each family will remember their young person and grieve for them in a different way. Some families may want to grieve privately and quietly; their pain may feel very personal to them which they want to protect. They may choose to remember their child within the family through pictures, stories, memory boxes and having their clothes and belonging close to them. Other families will want to share their grief and stories in a very public way, to create a legacy that extends beyond the family as a way of finding meaning in their grief. Often, families will want to give something back, such as through fundraising, awareness raising and campaigning.
Incorporating rituals
Humans have grieved their loved ones since the dawn of time, and each society has created its own rituals and rites of passage to mark the death or celebrate the life and support their grieving. These rituals can be very important in the grieving process as a way to bring some structure and predictability to what happens next, but also invites the support of the wider community for the family. People around you will want to help and allowing them, in small practical ways, can be really important. It can also mean that as you emerge from your grief, you still have those support systems in place. You may allow people to bring you food, do your shopping or take your bins out. You may feel comfortable talking to and crying with friends, or even just being with them and doing something ‘normal’ like going for a walk. You may not have the emotional or mental energy to respond to offers of help, so perhaps you ask one person to coordinate communication on your behalf and allow the help to happen. Remember that your family and friends will feel helpless around you, and will want to help in any way, big or small. Most people will not expect any thanks or gratitude, so don’t feel it is an additional burden to acknowledge or even notice what people are doing around you; you can just allow it to happen.
How other people respond
Some people feel that friends and colleagues seem to pull away from them, or even start avoiding them. This is sadly a common experience and usually reflects our discomfort with talking about difficult things, feeling anxious about saying the wrong thing or fearful of our own ability to cope when confronted with our most feared experience – that of losing a child. Firstly, know that it is not your job or role right now to educate them or make them feel better. It is also unlikely because of anything you have done, or a reflection of how they feel about you. You do, however, have every right to feel sad, angry or disappointed in how people respond.
How long is it normal to grieve for?
There is no time limit on your grief, but for most people it will evolve and change over time. Many people will describe how the first year is the hardest, and going through all the anniversaries and significant events, without your child, for the first time. It may feel less intense or ever-present in the years after, but some people find that certain events, such as birthdays and first days at school, can take them back to the same pain and grief they felt at the beginning. When a child has been very sick for some time, you may have already been grieving for them long before they died. We call this anticipatory grief. For some people, the grief after death is just as long and hard, but for some people, they may experience feelings of relief or numbness and find that they are less distressed than they expected or think that they should be. This is not a reflection of how much you love or miss your child; only that you have already been grieving for them for some time already.
When should I return to work?
This is something that will be very different for every individual. Some people will have little choice but to return to work quite quickly for financial reasons. For some, work is welcome source of support, routine and distraction. Both choices are okay and need not be a reflection of how you feel, or how much you miss your child. For some people, it will feel that they just don’t have the energy, the interest or the focus to be able to do their work as they would like or is expected. It is helpful to speak with your employer about what you need and what allowances or leave they can offer you. If you don’t feel that you are being treated fairly by your employer, then you can contact ACAS for advice. If you need financial support, then there are many charities that can offer small bursaries or grants to see you through those early days. There is also a small amount of financial support from the government, such as through continued child benefit payments. For more advice on finances after the death of a child, Together for Short Lives has especially useful and up to date guidance.
When should I seek help?
If you feel that it would be helpful to speak with a professional, even if you are experiencing a very normal grief reaction, then you should do so. There are many organisations available that can support you and offer grief counselling. If you have access to one, your Tom’s Trust clinical psychologist will be there for you. You can find details of other local and national organisations through At A Loss.
Some parents also find it helpful to connect with other grieving parents, who can normalise and share their experiences. It can be really important to be around people who know what you’re going through.
Getting support
If you are concerned about yourself or a loved one, at any point following the death of your child, then it is important to seek help or advice from a healthcare professional. Some reasons you may think about doing this sooner rather than later, may include persistent low mood over a period of at least two weeks and feeling unable to tend to your self-care, such as eating, drinking and washing. Please seek urgent medical advice if you experience any thoughts of wanting to harm yourself or someone else or wanting to end your life.
You can:
-Call your own GP during working hours
-Contact NHS 111 or your usual out of hours GP service
-In an emergency, you should visit your nearest A&E or call 999
-Or you can call the Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123.