This week is Men’s Health Week (9-15 June). We are taking the opportunity to highlight the mental strain that having a seriously ill child can take on fathers. Three fathers have shared their experience with us. We have also spoken to our Director of Services Development Dr Lynda Teape for advice and on Wednesday we will share a piece written by our Tom’s Trust clinical psychologist Dr Emily Townsend looking at the research into the subject.
Darren’s story
Darren is very open about the mental health struggles he has faced following his daughter Grace, 11, being diagnosed with a brain tumour when she was just one. The emotional toll of a diagnosis like Grace’s is often invisible, especially for fathers. Darren carried the weight of financial worry, guilt, and the belief that he had somehow failed his family. It led him to a really dark place. With support from his family, friends and their Tom’s Trust clinical psychologist Darren has found ways to help his mental health, including talking openly, daily exercise, and cold-water therapy.
Martin’s story
Martin talks about how he navigated the emotional and mental toll of his daughter Camille’s (now 17) ependymoma brain tumour diagnosis when she was just two years old. After hearing the unimaginable news of Camille’s diagnosis, Martin put on a brave face for his family. He threw himself into the clinical side of treatment, focusing on facts, next steps, and staying strong. What he didn’t realise at the time was how much he was bottling up his emotions. It wasn’t until Camille’s treatment ended, when life was supposed to return to ‘normal’, that the emotional weight truly began to surface. Martin’s story is a powerful reminder that processing trauma takes time, and that men, especially fathers, often feel pressure to stay composed.
Andrew’s story
Andrew is Tom’s dad whom Tom’s Trust is founded after. Tom was a healthy eight-year-old boy. He was happy and sociable and very handsome. He loved Manchester United; his favourite band was JLS, playing football and rugby and messing around with his two sisters and friends. In March 2010 Tom started getting headaches and vomiting, and he complained of neck pain. A few weeks after his symptoms started, he was diagnosed with a huge Medulloblastoma brain tumour. Tom had surgery and four months later was given the all clear. Two months’ later, at a routine scan, Tom’s family received the devastating news that Tom had a spinal tumour, and he had weeks to live. Tom died on 8th November 2010, eight months after his initial symptoms. Tom’s Trust was founded in 2011 by his parents – Andrew and Debs. No mental health support was given to their family as they navigated his diagnosis, and they grew determined that no other family should go through what they had experienced unsupported. Here Andrew talks about how he coped with Tom’s illness and the impact Tom’s death has had on his mental health.
Watch Darren, Martin & Andrew
Content warning: this video discusses suicidal feelings.
Thoughts from our Director of Services Development
Dr Lynda Teape Director of Services Development says: “It was incredibly moving to hear from all our fathers. Sadly such stories from men who feel they need to be strong and provide for the family, at the expense of their own well-being, are not uncommon. When your child receives the devastating diagnosis of a brain tumour, it is very normal to want to focus on your child and do whatever it takes to get them, and your family, through treatment and to put your own needs last. However, as we heard here, this often comes at a personal cost, when the treatment finishes and you’re left with all this raw, unprocessed emotion.”
Dr Lynda also highlights the importance of not only opening up but also finding a method to deal with the potential difficulties that comes with such a traumatic diagnosis, and how Tom’s Trust can continue to support fathers through speaking to a clinical psychologist.
“We recognise that every child, every family and every circumstance is unique, so there is not going to be one single approach or formula that will work for everyone. Speaking to a psychologist is not a sign that you are failing or a weakness. In fact, it shows incredible strength to be able to open up to someone and be willing to have those conversations, which will benefit you and those around you.”
Get support today
If you have been affected by the topics in this article and video, there is support available. If you have access to one, please reach out to your Tom’s Trust clinical psychologist for support. If your life is in immediate danger, please do call 999.
You can also reach out to:
Movember – a charity changing the face of men’s health
Campaign against living miserably – the suicide prevention charity
Samaritans – who have their 24/7 support line – call 116 123 for free.